Don't Call it a Comeback (Please)

I don't understand why artists like Ice Cube, Lionel Ritchie, Stevie Wonder and Prince are tarnishing their legacies by attempting these so-called comebacks. Nobody wants to hear Ice Cube collaborate with Lil' Jon-- the younger fans are wondering why Craig from Friday is rapping, and older fans are cringing at the fact that he's on a crunk track. Ditto for Stevie Wonder.

Look-- keep it simple, stupids. Instead of cutting an album with some weak-ass attempt to get radio-play, why not do a HUGE megatour and make some serious loot? You can't tell me that black people (and minority loving whiteys) NATIONWIDE wouldn't pay $60 to see Stevie Wonder do a 90 minute set where he ONLY plays his classic stuff. There's a reason why Luther Vandross' most recent album (Dance with My Father) was disregarded, while his Live at Radio City concert album was so heralded-- people don't want you to fall into the trap of being contemporary.

How to Not Get Your Ass Kicked Over a Video Game

1. NEVER LOOK AT YOUR OPPONENTS PLAY. If you're the defensive team, look away until the play is picked. This is akin to peeking over the urinal wall while pissing.

2. MAKE THE MATCHUPS AS EVEN AS POSSIBLE When you first purchase the game, don't get yourself used to playing with the #1 team out of the box if you know your buddy likes to use a lessor opponent.

3. ALWAYS PLAY BEST OF 3/5/7 Always give your opponent a chance to redeem himself. Nothing worse than douchebag who cuts the system off after the first game because he won. If time permits, always play a best of series, using the same teams, and alternating home fields until the decisive game, and then playing at a neutral site.

4. DON'T ABUSE MONEY PLAYS Everybody knows that there is always one or two plays that the AI cannot ever defend. Use these plays sparingly.

5. PLAY FOURTH DOWN REALISTICALLY Good rule of thumb is to always punt when your on your own G-40 and kick a field goal between their 40-21. Anything inside the red zone, however, is fair game.

6. PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF RECORDS
Any records set below the difficulty of All-American/All-Pro are null and void. Nothing beats reading an IM/blog entry/article on ESPN.com by one of your favorite writers to see him beating the Colts 70-3 on All-Madden...without them mentioning the fact that they turned all of the human sliders up and all of the computer sliders down. In that same vein...

7. ALWAYS SAVE USER PROFILES
If you get your ass handed to you by the computer, man up, and take the big, fat L. Anybody who's got a perfect user profile is not a great player. They're just the kind of guy you don't trust in the same room with your girlfriend after you pass out/breakup, because he's coming through with a bottle of white zinfandel and a white Red Sox cap Wolf you faggot ass bitch.

8. TALK SHIT
There is no such thing a good winner in video games. Talk shit early, talk shit late. But just remember, what comes around, goes around.

9. VISITORS GET THE SHITTY CONTROLLER
No ifs, ands or buts about it. Under no circumstances should the host be forced to use third-party/broken controllers. If you want to use the good shit, how about inviting them over to your place to drink YOUR beer/booze, eat YOUR food and piss on YOUR toliet seat.

10. NO GIRLS ALLOWED
The presence of a female during the gaming experience is stricly prohibited. They do not understand the complexities of a vitrual third and eight from your opponent's 43 yard line late in the fourth quarter of a close game. They are a needy bunch who will undoubtedly ruin your fun. Exception: She's bringing you a sandwich, or cold beverage. Other than that, get your ass back in the kitchen, Betsy.

11. SUBSTITUTE LIKE A MAN
If you're going to be a dick, and put your #1 wide receiver in the slot, at least has the balls to allow your opponent to make the neccessary adjustment. Likewise, don't put your fourth wide receiver in as your second tight end. It just ain't right.

ITALY WINS TEH WORLD CUOP!!!1111!!!!1

Well, after a month of shameless promotion at the hands of the Worldwide Leader and it's parent company, Satanco, the World Cup has ended, with Italy winning a gripping shootout against France, 5-4. The game was marred, unfortunately, by physical play, including a vicious headbutt by Zidane. His unwelcome display of testerone, frustration, and out and out brutish behavior was in stark contrast to the typically welcomed display of estrogenical flailing, faux injuries and of course, behavior that rivals most high school dramas in terms of actual acting abilities.


By the way, I guess ABC felt the need to remind America that the center of the sports universe is Boston. Following the Italians moment of triumph, we were treated to a cutaway to Rome and then to the Bean...where I suppose WORLD CUP FEVER has eclipsed the fever pitch of the Sawx. Regardless, you would think that the good people in TV would have cut to a place where there are a lot of Italian soccer fanatics. Like Italy. But, regardless, until The Big Stein buys Disney-- and rightfully sending ARod for his princess dress fitting-- this is what we're stuck with.

Endorsed Pedophilia, XBox UNO, and a Retraction

Let me get this straight:

Bad: pictures of bikini clad 12-15 year old preteens on your computer
Perfectly okay, in fact, probably encouraged: Paying $5 to watch bikini clad 12-15 year old preteens wash your car

I guess you supply your own hot wax.

***

I am currently the 6,781st ranked Xbox Live UNO player in the world. Yes, this is what I did on my week off from work; no, I am not proud of it.

***

Last night's entry has been retracted. No need incriminating myself on the Interweb.

Black People...Fuck Yeah

While I run the risk of being derivitive, but here is an amazing video of a Maury Povich paternity test show; this four minute and thirteen second clip is niggerdom at it's peak of unbridled ignorance.

Ranking Hip-Hop's Hypemen

For those of us who have seen a live hip-hop performance-- either in person or on television-- it is, paraphrasing Steve Harvey, 40 motherfuckers on stage at one time screaming every other word at different times. It's a mess.

But there are a few, who standout for their contributions on wax; the kind of person when you hear the track, you spend more time listening to the background than to the so-called lyrics in front of them.

Here's to you, hip-hop hypeman. You may not have been the label's first choice for the record, but your skilled friend/cousin would have it no other way:

Honorable Mention: Lil Jon (-no group-)
If Lil Jon was in an actual group of rappers, instead of a group consisting of him and two burly negroes used to carry his records around, he would have not only been in the top five, but he would have pushed everybody else down a spot.

5. Crunchy Black (Three 6 Mafia)
He can't rap-- in fact, he can barely talk. You may ask, how is this motherfucker on the list. Easy-- if you have ever listened to or heard a Three 6 Mafia song, you will know that Crunchy Black is like your retarded cousin you move up, and pitch underhanded to in the backyard game of wiffleball. It's not so much "how" he gets it done, it's just that he does it, and has a good time. CB is noted for HILARIOUS gangsta walk, which you can find here

4. Sticky Fingaz (Onyx)
One sure sign of a good hypeman: his solo album sucks ass. I know that the Autobiography of Kirk Jones was critically acclaimed, but Sticky broke away from his formula of being an energy guy. The guy on "What if I was White" was NOT the same person who "chillin in the b-boy stance" and demanded the microphone before he "bust in his pants". Even when he made the classic dis track, "Jackin 4 Beats", he was Mr. Enthsiasm, putting the smackdown on 50, Juvenile, Ja Rule and others. Alas, the good old days are over. Go on, Sticky. Star in those made for TV movies. You can catch footage of Sticky here.

3. Freaky Tah (Lost Boyz)
The perfect hypeman. If you have ever listened to "Lex, Coupes, Beamaz, and Benz" or "Music Makes Me High", you can't help but notice the man who was crunk when Lil Jon was a nerd in Atlanta. [insert how much we miss Freaky Tah]. [Disregard the fact that his body of work was comparable to building a SOLO cup tower].

2. Ol' Dirty Bastard (Wu-Tang Clan)
A hybrid of sorts. On one hand, he was talented enough to release not one, but two gold albums and appear on arguably one of the best R&B remixes ever (Fantasy); on the other hand, he was relegated to minor roles on every post 36 Chambers album from the Wu-Tang. ODB may not have been a hypeman in the truest sense, but that was his role in the Wu-Tang. One that has been emulated by D12 and other groups I am far too lazy to look up.

1. Flavor Flav (Public Enemy)
YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Cave, canem. I will smack you in the mouth.

Today, while housesitting for my in-laws, I prepared a delicious ribeye steak which had spent roughly an hour in the fridge marinating and cooked to perfection. Of course, during the course of preparing food outside, I went back indoors to retrieve a tasty beverage to enjoy with my food. To my horror, I found this fucking retard Golden Retriver gorging on my delicacy. I mean, His nose was on the plate, and my steak was floating in his gut with 82 rawhide chew treats that he is given a day. Sure, you can read this and think "Stupid-ass, you should have known better", but the lesson of this is simple:

Fuck dogs.

(not that way, you pervert)

This is not a rational dislike of man's so-called best friend because I am scared of them. I don't like dogs because they are nature's slacker-- they're the 34 year old guy you know who lives in his parents' basement, can't cook or clean up after himself, yet feels entitled to everything that his hard-working parents are having because he's "part of the family". Could you imagine leading such a life? I could, and that's why I fucking hate dogs.