How to Not Get Your Ass Kicked Over a Video Game

1. NEVER LOOK AT YOUR OPPONENTS PLAY. If you're the defensive team, look away until the play is picked. This is akin to peeking over the urinal wall while pissing.

2. MAKE THE MATCHUPS AS EVEN AS POSSIBLE When you first purchase the game, don't get yourself used to playing with the #1 team out of the box if you know your buddy likes to use a lessor opponent.

3. ALWAYS PLAY BEST OF 3/5/7 Always give your opponent a chance to redeem himself. Nothing worse than douchebag who cuts the system off after the first game because he won. If time permits, always play a best of series, using the same teams, and alternating home fields until the decisive game, and then playing at a neutral site.

4. DON'T ABUSE MONEY PLAYS Everybody knows that there is always one or two plays that the AI cannot ever defend. Use these plays sparingly.

5. PLAY FOURTH DOWN REALISTICALLY Good rule of thumb is to always punt when your on your own G-40 and kick a field goal between their 40-21. Anything inside the red zone, however, is fair game.

6. PROTECT THE SANCTITY OF RECORDS
Any records set below the difficulty of All-American/All-Pro are null and void. Nothing beats reading an IM/blog entry/article on ESPN.com by one of your favorite writers to see him beating the Colts 70-3 on All-Madden...without them mentioning the fact that they turned all of the human sliders up and all of the computer sliders down. In that same vein...

7. ALWAYS SAVE USER PROFILES
If you get your ass handed to you by the computer, man up, and take the big, fat L. Anybody who's got a perfect user profile is not a great player. They're just the kind of guy you don't trust in the same room with your girlfriend after you pass out/breakup, because he's coming through with a bottle of white zinfandel and a white Red Sox cap Wolf you faggot ass bitch.

8. TALK SHIT
There is no such thing a good winner in video games. Talk shit early, talk shit late. But just remember, what comes around, goes around.

9. VISITORS GET THE SHITTY CONTROLLER
No ifs, ands or buts about it. Under no circumstances should the host be forced to use third-party/broken controllers. If you want to use the good shit, how about inviting them over to your place to drink YOUR beer/booze, eat YOUR food and piss on YOUR toliet seat.

10. NO GIRLS ALLOWED
The presence of a female during the gaming experience is stricly prohibited. They do not understand the complexities of a vitrual third and eight from your opponent's 43 yard line late in the fourth quarter of a close game. They are a needy bunch who will undoubtedly ruin your fun. Exception: She's bringing you a sandwich, or cold beverage. Other than that, get your ass back in the kitchen, Betsy.

11. SUBSTITUTE LIKE A MAN
If you're going to be a dick, and put your #1 wide receiver in the slot, at least has the balls to allow your opponent to make the neccessary adjustment. Likewise, don't put your fourth wide receiver in as your second tight end. It just ain't right.