Breaking Down (Parts of) The NBA Draft

Normally, I would use this oppourtinity to supplement the already content-rich http://1shiningmoment.blogspot.com/, however, I wouldn't want to hold contributors RK and PS responsible for my intoxicated thoughts. The NBA Draft is officially less than one week away from starting, and there is the usual smattering of retarded thoughts going around about the prospects and their abilities.



Point one: Mike Conley Jr. is overrated. Being compared to Tony Parker means that a player has a lot of quickness and no outside shot. Put Tony Parker on one of the lottery teams, and you have a light skinned and funny talking T.J. Ford on your team. Who wants that?

Point two: Joakim Noah still can't shoot. You would think teams would have learned from the Stromile Swift and Tyrus Thomas lottery picks that you should never waste a top five pick on a guy who can't put the ball in the bucket. Imagine going to your local rec center, and wasting your first pick on a guy whose only asset is rebounding. You're going to be really pissed when that motherfucker decides to jack up every shot that hits their hands because they are wide open. In the NBA, what's to keep teams from backing off of Noah every time he leaves his four foot comfort zone? The only positive for his early entry is we, as a sports community, finally have a player who actually deserves to get Rudy T'd on the court. Please, Ron-Ron. Read my blog. Knock this bitch out the first time you see him.

Point three: Bill Simmons is still an asshat. Not much to say here, but Simmons is less knowledgable than my wife.

Point four: Brandon Wright is overrated...just like Marvin Williams. Can anybody explain what's so special about this motherfucker? Living in the heart of ACC country, I have yet to see Wright show anything on the court that is worthy of a lottery selection. Sure, he's 19 and could develop into an all-star, but at the same time, he doesn't have the intensity that would convince me that he will be an all-star. If you look at players who look ready for the NBA who play in college, they tear through their opposition. Do you think Greg Oden would have been shown up by James Gist and Kenny Ibekwe this past year? That happened to Wright when he went to College Park this February. Avoid this darky like the plauge.

(and,yes, I am fully aware that he's likely to turn into a 16 time all-star, and seven time MVP. Just color me unimpressed. And drunk)

Guess who's back?

Lost? Over.

The Office? Finished.

Go out and exercise? Nigga please.

I guess it's time for me to pour out a glass, and start updating THE NOVA REPORT once again. A few things that have been bugging the hell out of me:

- the Nationals' season has been seen before. Unfortunately, it was the pre-strip board of Rachel Phelps in Major League. This team is so fucking abysmal, people are renewing their season tickets at the dump better known as RFK just to ensure they get priority seating at the new stadium on the waterfront.

(sidenote-- that area used to be popluated by a number of gay stripclubs. I can just see some disoriented queer stumbling out of trunk in a gimp suit looking for the Sweaty Bollocks and finding 40,000 people cheering chisled men in tight pants...only to pass out in euphoria)

This team is so bad, there is no "This is what they should do". There is so much involved in that situation, it would involved megatrades, a bottomless wallet for free agents, and Bill Simmons' disregard for reality. Here's how the Nats should improve: spend any monies to build a time machine, to not fire Frank Robinson, to not trade Livian Hernandez for dickfuzz, and to try to acquire some DECENT pitching instead of quick fix fucksticks like Christian Guzman. Is that so god damned hard?

- iTunes, consider yourself on notice. Is there a way to have separate libraries? If not, then Apple should stop running those prententious ads, and fucking address this situation. There have been way too many times when I have pulled up to an intersection to have my race/gender/age demographic fitting song end, only to blast (at full volume) Lisa Loeb, Vanessa Carlton, or any retard music that my wife has found necessary to download onto our PC. Sure, you change the song two seconds in, but the damage is done. The 18 year old hotties in the car next to you heard it, and saw the "Oh shit" expression on your face. Apple. You may have found a way to integrate a bunch of "cool" shit onto your computers, but until you make it known how to separate libraries, consider yourself on notice. Yes, I realize that I can delete these tracks off of my ipod, but I am not into the extra effort. Nor am I about to delete them from the PC, and not have them update on my wife's ipod. No sir. I'll pass on that asskicking.

- In case you were wondering, here's a cyncial outlook of my favorite five hip-hop groups/artists are:

5. Jay-Z: I have warmed to Joe Camel more recently than others. I can appreciate where he is in life, in that he is comfortable with having proved himself in every facet of the business; but his ranking was docked significantly by Ether. I mean, come on. The audio of him stuttering and at a loss for words really made him out to be a bigger bitch than he really needed to be portrayed as. Favorite Jigga Track: Bitches and Sistas from The Blueprint 2.

4. Nas: Esco gets major, major negative points for his inability to take over the rap game. You want an NBA comparison? He's the Dirk Nowitzki of rap. This motherfucker changed the game in 1994 with Illmatic, and what has he done since? Three good albums, but still gets lashed out at relative lightweights in the game like Jim Jones. Some people have it, and some people don't. Nasir Jones does not have it. Favorite Nas Track: Undying Love from I Am.

3. Outkast: So much versatility, but Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, could you have at least tried to make Speakerboxxx/The Love Below not so unjointed? Look-- you guys have different styles, and I appreciate that, but at the same time, it's not an official Outkast album with three (or was it four?) songs with both of you. Favorite Outkast Track: Elevators from Atliens.

2. Notorious B.I.G.: Why can't you have been bulletproof? Life After Death, despite being bloated and overproduced in spots, had some classic material, but no. You decided to be the big man you were, and venture out to LA six months after your main rival's death. Yeah, smart planning there. At least you made that greazy little niglet Puffy rich off of this. Favorite BIG track: Niggas Bleed, Somebody's Got to Die, Victory, Get Money, or Flava In Your Ear remix. I can't pick one, and can't expect any BIG fan to do the same.




1. Wu-Tang Clan: Blew out of the gates with classic stuff-- 36 Chambers, Ironman, Cuban Linx, Liquid Swords, Tical, Return to the 36 Chambers, Wu-Tang Forever-- but things got ugly shortly after. Some say complacency as, the Wu was everywhere in 1996. Everybody remembers "Me and Mariah" going back like babies with pacifiers. Others, the Wu got too comfortable with their own success. So, wha happened in my eyes? Well, the RZA stopped producing the cuts on the albums to concentrate on his (wack) Bobby Digital alterego, Cappadonna lost his fucking mind and decided to drive a cab and be homeless, and the sad, sad situation of ODB. Wu-Tang is truly for the children. I mean, Puffy aight, but Wu-Tang is for the babies. It's truly a shame. Favorite Wu-Tang track: Visionz from Wu-Tang Forever.