Survivor? Fuck yeah!

I have obtained a projected copy of the so-called immunity challenges from the latest season of Survivor: Race War, executive produced by David Duke.

Challenge #1 : The survivors are placed in a bamboo office, and given an application for a home loan in the amount of $500,000. The team that comes away with the highest interest rate will have to lose one of their members. Projected winners: Whites; Sleeper: Hispanics (will have large cash downpayment from day labor jobs)

Challenge #2: The survivors are given a 2-seat rickshaw to cover a 3 mile path. First team to get all of their members to the end of the path wins. Projected Winners: Hispanics...in one trip

Challenge #3: Swim Meet. First team to win a relay race wins. Projected Winners: Hispanics (if they're Mexicans), Whites (if the Hispanics are not Mexicans); Guaranteed Losers: Blacks (but will win the moisturizing contest afterwards)

People who Can Die A Fiery Death

Here's a list of people who die a fiery death:

Rooney Doodle
Moe Doodle
Wilmer Valderamma
The asshole who decided an Arby's would be a better fit in our local shopping center than a Chick Fil A.
The fuckface who thinks church is more important than Chick Fil A being open on Sunday
The bitch at Popeyes who forgot my order of butterfly shrimp yesterday
Nik Caner-Medley
Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Human Resources at my current employer (experience my ass...everybody knows you don't want a smart BLACK man to advance in your company. Say it, motherfucker! You was gon call me a nigga, weren't you?)
Lee Humphrey

Redskins Report

Last night, my hometown Washington Redskins were embarassed on national television by the Cincinnati Bengals. Granted, 19-3 is nothing to jump off of a bridge for in the preseason. Here are some the positives:

* The pass protection was amazing. Brunell appeared to have all day to throw, which is important in this vertical passing game.

* The absence of Antwaan Randle-El was perfect. I predict that he will be the true X-factor when Washington opens the season without Portis. If the defense can keep the game close, the difference maker will be if they can execute a backbreaking trick play.

* The first team defense played hungry. Anthony Wright may suck, but there are quite a few suck-ass quarterbacks in the NFL. Should be another stellar season from the defense.

But let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet. There were a few things that were alarming as hell that jumped off of my television:

* Mark Brunell looked god-awful last night. Here's a guy who has been lauded by many (including yours truly) for being a smart quarterback who will not make big mistakes. Well, last night, he shit that theory right out of his pretentious Christian asshole. His interception to Keiwan Ratliff not only resulted in the dislocated shoulder of Clinton Portis, but was scarily reminscient of his 2004 season where he battled nagging injuries all season. If Brunell is hurt, the coaching and training staff must sit him out. He is too vital to this offense to run around and risk his crusty knees getting busted up on a bootleg.

* The Redskins are painfully thin at running back. When Portis came out, we were treated to a three headed monster that wouldn't strike fear into the Virginia Tech front seven. Out of all of the clowns who ran the ball, Mike Sellers was the only one who was effective and could be counted on to gain more than 14 inches per rush. If Ladell Betts' hamstrings continue to be a problem, this team is going to sputter until Portis returns.

* Reed Doughty...nice knowing you kid. You got your dick handed to you twice on national TV. Here's to the Greely, Col. UPS distribution center having an opening for the early shift.

* Did I mention quarterback woes? Todd Collins sucks. The man is straight ass-water.

Until next week...Go Skins.

Slow Fantasy, Intriuging Thriler

Evening readers...NOVA here with the 10th installment of The NOVA Report. As always, this post is brought to you by the good people at Jack Daniels, the whiskey in the square bottle.

This weekend, I watched two movies-- the Chronicles of Narnia and Inside Man. The former was a tremendous disservice to the novel, and the latter being an interesting thriller (with 48 mins left) that is worth your time.

My main beef with the Chronicle of Narnia is that it moves through the novel way too fucking fast. The beauty of The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe is that it was paced to the point that it introduced enough expositionary material that when the climax came, you knew everything. The movie version does the opposite-- it rushes you into the plot way too fast, and really does a shameful rendition of one of the better works of children's fiction. The kids who play the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve are great, but the pacing of this movie is lame as balls. Definintely hovers in the range of "rent, not buy" and "catch on cable".

"Inside Man" is a great flick with 45 minutes remaining. There is a lot unanswered questions, but I did figure out the reason why Jodie Foster was introduced into the movie. I'll update you guys.

UPDATE: Finished Inside Man, and give it a strong recommendation. Everything at the end is pretty much laid out for you, but still a good watch.

Looking forward, me and the family are heading over the to the National Zoo tomorrow to see the monkeys and the panda cubs. Horray family time! Fuck yeah! Why waste your time at the gym when you can go out and chase your kid at the zoo? America! FUCK YEAH!

Black Family Reunion

What's up, loyal readers? Long time, no update huh??

Today was the date of my mother's family reunion, and I have to say i was mildly disappointed. In 2000, I attended a monstrous affair on my father's side and figured all family reunions were that way. Today was the exception to the rule-- there were only 20 people there, none of which gave a fuck what was going on, and for the most part, was a tame affair. The worst thing about the entire day was when three random negroes decided to "document" my brother and I talking about our history. Now, as a history major, i was warmed that someone would go this far for primary sources; but as a hot mother fucker, standing outside in northern Virginia heat in blue jeans and a black shirt, I was pissed. Three negroes with (stolen) cameras? Sounds like a little bit of excess, don't you think? Needless to say, this entry is going to suck. Just like the last one.

Stay posted, as the college football and upcoming pro football season will bring more updates, as well as the USA basketball team in the World Championships.

On that note, I am happy to see that the Americans are kicking ass as expected. As a rec-league basketball coach slash armchair analyst, I think that Coach K has done two really important things right-- he has assembled a coaching staff that covers his weaknesses of zone defense and dealing with pro personnel (Boeheim and D'Antoni) and a team that has the right pieces to show planet Earth who runs basketball. Carmelo Anthony's dominance thus far should not come as a surprise-- he played in an incredibly Euro college system at Syracuse and has a skill-set that is very becoming of the international game. In fact, I would venture as far to say that Melo is 10 times better than Lebron when it comes to the international game due to his outside-inside ability to play offense.

What I can do, is let you know that I am catching up on season one of Lost...possibly the most gripping show on television. I am two episodes into the fifth disc, meaning there are about six more episodes left. If you're not a fan of the show at this point, you NEED to get your ass to Best Buy and buy this set. Now, bitchez. If you have kids, send them to the grandparents for the weekend and watch these discs.